Sex Question of the Week: Is Nudity Bad for Our Kids?I was born in the US but my parents are Swedish and we had a family bed for many years, and no discomfort with nudity. I feel like my comfort with sex came from the way I was raised, never to feel ashamed or embarrassed about my body.
I'm now a mother myself (of a 6-year-old boy) and my partner was raised in a very different kind of house, where no one was ever naked in front of each other and doors were closed all the time. She's never been as comfortable as I am with nudity and feels like now that our son is getting older, it isn't appropriate for us to be naked in front of him anymore. I think this is ridiculous, but am wondering if there is an age when you're supposed to stop being naked in front of your kids?
This is a great question, and I'm surprised how often it comes up when I'm talking with new parents about sexuality. Parental nudity can be a controversial subject to raise. There will always be people who incorrectly confuse nudity with sexuality and think that you are talking about sexual activity in a family. Obviously this is not what you're asking about, and it isn't what I'm addressing.
Maybe one of the reasons it remains controversial is that there is a huge divide between the theory and the research on this subject. You don't have to go far to find "parenting experts" and theorists who believe that it is wrong to be naked in front of your kids, and that family nudity can lead to all sorts of problems. And, as you've described, people often feel strongly about this based on their own experiences.
On the other hand, research doesn't support the idea that nudity leads to problems. While there hasn't been very much research on this topic, and most of it relies on adults remembering their childhood experiences, overall the research doesn't point to any grand negative impact of parental nudity in the home.
So how does a parent decide what to do, and when to change a family practice like being naked in the home?
There is no one way to deal with the situation, and I'd argue that what's most important is that you (and in this case your partner) think about your own values and beliefs, how you want to raise your children in terms of these values and beliefs linked to nudity, and then do it in a way that's consistent and understandable to your kids. Here are some things I'd be thinking about if I were trying to work through this question:
Be genuine.
Don't force yourself to be more open or closed than you actually feel. If you're raising children with a partner you'll need to negotiate this, but you don't have to feel or act in exactly the same way. Having different adult opinions isn't a problem per se. But if you betray your own feelings and force a behavior on yourself your children will subtly pick up on this, and the last thing you want to be teaching your kids is to mistrust their own judgment and boundaries.
Be consistent.
Don't feel pressured into acting a certain way because you think it's the "right" thing to do. Research indicates there aren't any right and wrong answers here. If you're comfortable with nudity that's great. If you're not, then establish where and when you want privacy. What's important is that you are consistent in the way you model behavior for your kids.
Be able to explain your feelings and actions without judgment.
Regardless of what you do, if your children ask you about it, you should be able to respond without being judgmental. For example, if they ask why you always keep your door closed, or why they're not allowed to come into the bathroom when you're getting ready, you should be able to explain why without making them feel badly about their body and without being negative about your body. Saying "because it's not right" is sending a vague and judgmental message about your body and by extension, about all bodies. Saying "I close the door because it's private time for me" is a very different way of explaining a boundary without resorting to judgment. If your child asks why you walk around your bedroom naked when he knows that doesn't happen in his friends' homes, you should be able to explain your beliefs without putting down how nudity is dealt with in other homes.
Use difference as a positive, not a negative.
If you're raising your children with a partner and your partner doesn't feel the way you do about nudity, don't force a single solution. It's okay for each of you to behave in a way that feels right as long as you can each explain your feelings. This approach offers your children the opportunity to see that nudity can be handled in many ways, and not one way is correct.
Pay attention and check in with your pre-teen and teenage children.
If your comfortable with nudity in the home, but aren't sure if there is an age when it should stop, it is likely that your children will let you know when they want something to change. But they might not be comfortable saying something direct, so pay attention to your children and how they are reacting to your nudity. If they start spending more time in their room with their door closed, encourage them to know that's okay, but also talk to them about what's going on. Don't force them to talk, but make sure they know you're available and open to discussion. You may also want to offer that you can keep your door closed if that would make them more comfortable (or you may not want to offer this option, depending on your beliefs).
Take advantage of these opportunities to talk about bodies and sex.
Even though nudity isn't the same thing as sex, in our culture the two are strongly equated. Talking about being naked opens up the opportunity to see if your children have any questions about sex. You never want to push your kids to talk to you about sex, but this may be one more chance to let them know that if they have questions, you're open to answering them.
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Sex Question of the Week: Is Nudity Bad for Our Kids? originally appeared on About.com Sexuality on Wednesday, August 25th, 2010 at 00:01:48.
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Sex Toys for Disabled People?The sex shop I used to work at had a sustained commitment to access issues and as a result it became known as a place that was somehow connected to disability. Access meant more to them than that, here's how they described it:
It's a big word, but in a nutshell, being accessible means doing our work in a way that doesn't exclude people. It sounds easy, but it takes hard work and constant vigilance. Sexuality is part of everyone's experience, regardless of age, gender, race, sexual orientation or identity, disability, ethnicity, religious affiliations, how we move, talk, or think. We work hard so that anyone and everyone can come to the table, not just the people we eat with everyday....Ironically, in creating a place for those of us who usually feel left out, we've made a space for everyone.
Still, working at that store usually meant getting questions from customers (disabled and non-disabled people) about where they could find the "sex toys for disabled people". I was always quick to point out that while it makes sense to talk about accessible sex toys, there's no such thing as sex toys for disabled people. People who have the lived experience of disability are no more alike than people who live in Dayton, Ohio. Can you imagine special sex toys for Daytonites (is that what they call themselves)? The idea of there being sex toys for disabled people assumes that all disabled people are the same, or at least are looking for the same thing in a sex toy.
One of the trade-offs of being human and surviving on this particular planet at this particular time is that we have to group people together and make assumptions, we probably couldn't navigate the world if we didn't. But that doesn't mean we should ever stop challenging those assumptions and generalizations. In fact it's in the challenging that I'd argue we're most alive. If you're curious about this particular challenge, and want to knwo why there's no such thing as a sex toy for anyone who has a disability, but there are accessible sex toys, read on.
What's an Accessible Sex Toy?
Sex Toys for Disabled People? originally appeared on About.com Sexuality on Monday, August 16th, 2010 at 10:45:22.
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Sex Question of the Week: What Does Sex Feel Like?I am a virgin and I don't know how it feels having sex. Is it the same feeling as masturbation? I'm nervous about my first time and think that if I knew more of what to expect that would help me be less nervous.
I had been having sex with myself for years before I got to have it with someone else. While most of that sex involved fantasies about people and situations (e.g. me with the Flintstones, me in the Eight is Enough house...I'm not saying it was pretty), some of the time it was focused on trying to imagine what sex with another person would actually feel like.
Notice that what you call masturbation (a perfectly fine word) I describe as sex with myself. I do that intentionally. The truth is that while they are different in some fundamental ways, sex with ourselves and sex with other people share more than we usually acknowledge. When you have sex with yourself, if it's good, your body goes through similar changes (interest, excitement, climax, relaxation) and your mind can turn inwards and focus on how sex feels in a way that we sometimes do when we're having sex with other people. So I guess my first response to your question is to tell you that even alone, you have way more opportunities to learn about sex and be sexual than you may think you have.
But having sex by yourself isn't the same as having another person in the room. I'm sure this is a totally unsatisfying answer the truth is that until you do take that risk (because sex is always a risk; emotional, physical, spiritual) you won't know what it's like.
Even after you do get to have sex with someone else, all you'll know is what that sex was like. No two bodies are identical, no two people are the same, and so no two sexual encounters will ever feel exactly the same way. If you're sober and at least a little self-aware, sex will be different with every new partner, and it can be completely different with the same person from one encounter to the next. Sex can be a cookie-cutter experience, you could do it the way you ride a bike, shower in the morning, or get ready for bed, meaning more or less the same order of things, the same thoughts, the same feelings every time. But good sex, great sex, is sex that begins without you really knowing where it will end. It has boundaries and parameters (so good sex doesn't mean anything goes, nor does it mean you shouldn't plan) but it is as free of expectations as any encounter with another human being can be.
So that was a four paragraph non-answer. But I want to try and give you an answer-answer in part because I know that being prepared can reduce anxiety, and in part because I think it's a very interesting question. After all, if it's true that every sexual encounter is different, is there anything we can say that sex, in general, feels like?
If I had to describe what sex feels like in a way that would fit for any kind of sex, I think the only description I can offer is that sex with someone else feels hot, or at least hotter. Regardless of what you're doing, and who you're doing it with, when you have sex with others there are, by definition, more bodies in the room. These bodies have heat, they have breath, they have consciousnesses not your own; and all of the sudden the bed or car or couch just feels a lot hotter than it did when you were on your own.
The presence of these other bodies and other consciousness can have many other ramifications for what sex with other people feels like. Another person's body heat can stoke your own internal heat and draw it out of your body. It can pull you just slightly out of your own body, closer to a space between bodies where what is happening is not completely of your body or of your partner's body, but of something else. On your own, sex can be fantastic and wild, and even unpredictable. But it's always more or less under your control. With another person (or people) in the room a thousand possibilities present themselves and each one offers the opportunity for potential pleasure and self-discovery (as well, of course, as opportunity for shame, embarrassment, violence, and coercion). I don't include those to turn you off of the idea. Just to speak honestly about sex, and remind both of us that we can always calculate, to some extent, the risks we take.
Another thing that keeps coming to my mind is the fact that we can't tickle ourselves as being relevant to a discussion of the difference between masturbation and sex with a partner.
I'm trying to imagine how I would feel about this answer if my 15-year-old self were reading it right now. I think it would be annoying, since ultimately I'm still saying that you won't know until you try it. If you're super keen to do some solo trial runs there are things you can try. Before I ever had sex with someone else I thought if I could approximate what another person's body felt like that would be helpful. Since I didn't have access to the actual bodies that I imagined having sex with (and the way we imagine those bodies, and which bodies we imagine is a whole other conversation!) I prepared by reading smutty stories, watching porn, and using everything from lube and sex toys to the three great "f"'s (fruit, fabric, furniture). Having survived all that more or less in tact, and now having had sex with other people I can tell you that while it didn't actually help me prepare for sex with others, it was a lot of fun and made me way more sexually creative with partners. So while I wouldn't fixate on trying to prepare by mimicking sex with another person, I wouldn't rule it out either.
Finally, let me suggest that once you do have sex with another person, the first thing you should is write about it. It might come in handy sometime in the future if you find yourself talking to someone who hasn't had sex with someone else yet. I think if I had written something down about how I felt after the first time I had sex it probably would have been one word; grateful.
Read More - a href="http://sexuality.about.com/od/sexualhealthqanda/Sexual_Health_Q_A.htm">Answers to Sex Questions from Cory Silverberg, About.com's Guide to Sexuality.
Reader Responses - What Does Sex Feel Like to You?
Sex Question of the Week: What Does Sex Feel Like? originally appeared on About.com Sexuality on Wednesday, August 18th, 2010 at 00:01:28.
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